Rewind
by mistymorningwritings
Summary: Alex has trouble coping with Jo's secrets. Set sometime after 13x11. One shot.


**Author's Notes: I had so many second thoughts about posting this one shot, but since I couldn't get it out of my head and therefore had to write it down, I thought I might as well post it. Drop me a comment/review and let me know how you liked it.**

 **PS: For those waiting for an update for Sink or Swim, I have 2 half-finished chapters and I hope I can update soon.**

* * *

Jo ran her hands over Alex's back, feeling his muscles shift underneath her fingertips as he wrapped her arms around her. He lowered his head, and his kisses wandered from her mouth over her cheek to her neck. At first it was just quick, tiny kisses, which tickled her skin and made her chuckle with pleasure. But then he found the spot where her pulse was throbbing against her neck, like a fluttering butterfly, and his kisses intensified as he lingered to caress that spot thoroughly.

Jo tipped her head to the side and a soft moan escaped her throat. She'd missed being close to him this way, so she drank it all up, the sensation of her pulse beating against Alex's lips, the feeling of his smooth skin grazing against hers, his hands clutching her hips. She reveled in every single touch.

Slowly they staggered towards the bed and, still entangled in each other's arms, they sank down on the mattress. Jo looked up at Alex, her hazel eyes sparkling with anticipation. Alex bent down and his lips brushed over hers, teasing her. Cupping her face into his hands, he leaned in some more to finally kiss her properly. But something felt different. His movements were hesitant, he seemed distracted all of a sudden.

Jo tried to ignore it by taking the helm. Softly she bit his lower lip and pulled him closer.

"Wait." Alex drew back and studied her, his gaze thoughtful and questioning. Although the dimmed lights had covered the loft in semi-darkness Jo could see something else in Alex's eyes too - a hint of irritation.

Alex furrowed his brows. "What is your real name?"

"What?"

"I want to know what your real name is."

Jo sat up and tucked her legs to her body. "Why are you bringing this up right now?"

Perhaps she should have just told him the name, but she sensed it was about more than that. There was a lot they hadn't talked about, a lot they probably should talk about. Jo had expected Alex to ask her questions. But for some reason he never did. So why was he pushing it now? They were both stripped down to their underwear, it was hardly the right time for a heart-to-heart.

It had been weird between them in the last couple of weeks. After the charges had been dropped, they'd slowly gotten closer again. They'd tried to avoid it at first, but eventually they started hanging out again.

They saw each other at the hospital, and sometimes Alex came over to the loft and they had dinner together. There were apologies, lots of them, but other than that, they didn't really talk, not about her story, not about his story. Talking had never been one of their strongest suits, so instead they tried to go back to old habits. They shared pizza and beer. They discussed patients and surgeries and other random stuff. They laughed, they had fun. One day they kissed, then they started making out. They'd never tried to go all the way though, not until this day.

There was some deep, hidden unease to their meetings, but at the same time being together felt so right, so good, they couldn't stay away. Despite everything, they were still drawn to each other like magnets.

It was a delicate bubble they'd created for themselves. Now it was about to burst.

"Alex, what is this really about?" Jo demanded, after Alex hadn't replied to her first question.

He started collecting his clothes from the floor, slipped into his pants and then his sweater. "It's..." He let out a despondent sigh. "Nevermind. I think I should go."

"No, don't go! Let's just talk, okay?" Jo jumped up and put on her jeans "What is this about?"

"It's not working," Alex said simply.

"What do you mean, it's not working? Don't you even want to try?" Jo asked. Her tone was desperate. "Can't we try?"

"We have been trying, Jo. It's not working. I thought I could deal with it, but I can't. It's too much. I can't pretend like nothing happened. You..." Exasperated, he ran his hands through his hair. "You were hiding a gun in our apartment, in our home. It was there for years and you didn't tell me. And then you drop this huge bomb on me, that you're already married and that you have a fake name. And I..." Alex bit down on his lip, like he wanted to stop himself from saying something he might regret.

Jo picked up her plaid shirt from where she'd dropped it on the floor and slipped into it. She left a few well-considered feet of space between her and Alex as she spoke. "I'm sorry, Alex. I'm sorry for hurting you, I'm sorry for not telling you. I'm sorry about everything. But..." She drew a breath. "I've said all that before, and I can't keep apologizing for how I tried to protect my life and your life from the man who almost killed me. I'm not gonna do that. So you either have to learn to accept it and forgive me or..." she left the words hanging in the air, not wanting to think about the alternative, let alone put it into words.

Alex shook his head. "You don't have to apologize. And it's not about forgiveness. I'm glad you got yourself out of that situation." A sad smile flashed over his face. "I'm proud of you. And I understand your reasons for not telling me. I get it, I do. You did what you had to do. But it doesn't change that I..." He fixed his gaze on her, the smile had disappeared. "I thought I knew who you were. But now I don't know anymore, what is real and what isn't. Truth is, I feel like I don't know you at all. And when I kiss you, I think... sometimes it's like..." he trailed off and looked away.

"It's like you're kissing a stranger," Jo finished his sentence, her voice flat. Admitting it out loud hurt, but it wasn't like she hadn't noticed it before. How he sometimes looked at her with that contemplative expression in his eyes, like he was trying to figure something out. Like he was trying to figure her out.

Still unable to meet her eyes, Alex nodded.

No yelling, no anger. He didn't even speak one word. But that faint nod, the silent resignation in it, hurt worse than anything else. Jo's chest tightened and she could feel tears form behind her eyes.

"I love you," she said eventually, trying her best to keep her voice steady. "That part has always been real."

He turned to look at her. "I know."

"But it's not enough," Jo stated quietly. This time it wasn't a question. It was not an attempt to make him stay. It was just a plain, simple statement.

Love was not enough.

How could she of all people not know that? Shouldn't she have learned that lesson years ago? Least of all she should have learned it months ago, when she'd found herself in the exact same position she was now. It was like somebody had pressed the rewind button.

Still Jo wanted nothing more than for things to end differently this time. She wanted Alex to prove her wrong. She wanted him to say that he loved her too and that they would get through this together. Just this once she wanted their love to be enough.

For a moment they just glanced at each other. Alex opened his mouth as if he wanted to say something. But then he just slightly shook his head and lowered his gaze. "I should go," he muttered again.

And then he was gone.

Jo sank down on the bed and stared into the void with vacant eyes, as her heart was breaking all over again. She wasn't crying, though. By now she was used to the feeling and she just surrendered herself to the familiarity of the pain.

* * *

After that day Alex and Jo went back to their not-so-old habits. They stopped seeing each other and avoided each other at the hospital.

Jo wished she had somebody to talk to about everything. But she couldn't talk to Stephanie, because she only knew half the story and the last thing Jo wanted, was to tell more people that she'd fled from an abusive husband.

Of course there was still Andrew, who had been nothing but sweet and supportive off her. Unlike Stephanie, he knew about her husband. But how could she even think about talking to Andrew about her issues with Alex?

Things between her and Andrew had been difficult. Once she'd started hanging around Alex again, he'd withdrawn himself from her. However, lately things had gotten better and Jo didn't want to ruin it again. Besides, what was she even going to say to him? "Hey Andrew, I'm sad and heartbroken, because the guy who beat you to a bloody pulp broke up with me?"

So Jo talked to nobody, because there was nobody. It wasn't an entirely new situation for her anyways, so she tried to swallow her sorrow and move on.

* * *

A couple of weeks later, Jo was aimlessly pacing the hallway in front of the Chief's office. That day she was supposed to be on Dr. Bailey's service, but then the Chief got buried in unexpected paperwork and had thus assigned the young resident to a different attending.

Unfortunately that attending turned out to be Alex.

Jo had zero interest in working with her ex-boyfriend, who apparently thought she was a fraud. She couldn't decide whether she should walk back into Dr. Bailey's office to tell her, she was sick and needed the day off or rather hide away in an on-call room until this day was over.

"Wilson, is there a reason you're loitering in front of Dr. Bailey's office?" Jo flinched when she heard Dr. Minnick's voice behind her. She liked Minnick, but she was not interested in explaining the situation to her. "Don't you have anything to do? Like scrubbing in on surgeries?"

"I... the thing is..."

The older doctor rested her hands on her hips and creased her forehead. "On whose service are you today?"

"That's the thing. I should be on Dr. Bailey's service, but she got caught up in paperwork. She told me there's no way she would see an OR from the inside today and assigned me to a different attending."

"Then why are you not with them right now? Which attending is it?" Minnick studied her with her intense blue eyes.

Awkwardly Jo shifted on her legs. "It's uh Dr. Karev," she admitted reluctantly.

"Then go find him."

"I..."

"Look, I don't know what the deal is with you and him, but frankly, I don't care. This is a teaching hospital. You're a resident, he's an attending. Karev's obliged to teach you. They all are. Whether it's about personal issues, or because they don't wanna share the spotlight, they can't refuse to let you scrub in on surgeries. You need to learn to stand up for yourself. Make it clear to Karev that he can't dismiss you. And if he won't listen, then send him to me and I'm gonna give him a piece of my mind." Encouragingly Minnick squeezed the younger doctor's shoulder. "Alright?"

Jo forced a smile. "Alright."

* * *

Alex sat at the nurse's station with a tablet, looking through files of peds patients. The previous day Bailey had reappointed him as head of pediatrics and he wanted to bring himself up to date with current cases.

"What did I hear from Maggie?" Meredith's upset voice interrupted his focus. "You're looking for apartments? Why? You don't have to move out!"

Alex turned his swiveling chair around to face her. "Believe me, I have to. I need to have more than just a room in somebody else's house. Besides, I'm too old for this roommate crap."

"You've always had roommates," Meredith pointed out. "First it was Cristina, then Arizona."

"That was different. Back then I was the house owner." He sighed heavily. He knew she would make a fuss about this. "I need my own place, Mer. It's time. I've got my job back, things are going back to normal and I... I just need to move on."

"Is this about Wilson?" Meredith fell down on the chair beside him. "Listen, you don't have to feel bad for breaking up with her. You can't save everyone."

Alex wrinkled his brows. "What are you talking about?"

"That's why you wanted to take the plea bargain, right? You were willing to go to jail, because she was in a bad situation and you wanted to protect her, save her or whatever. And now-"

"No, no." Vigorously, Alex shook his head. "It had nothing to do with wanting to save her. Jo never needed saving. She did that all on her own. I wanted to take the plea, because I couldn't be the person who screwed it up for her. I'd screwed up enough as it was. For her... and for Deluca. I just wanted to fix some of it."

They both fell silent, but Alex noticed that Meredith was studying him with worried eyes. He chose to ignore it. Instead he reached for his tablet and opened another patient file. Perhaps, if he acted like he was preoccupied, she would get the hint and leave.

"Alex, what is going on with you?" Meredith asked. "Jail is off the table, you're finally back in peds and yet you're still moping around all day like the world ended or something."

"I'm not moping," Alex grumbled.

"The kids say you're grumpy and sad all the time," Meredith informed him.

Alex rolled his eyes. He so had to move out of that house. He desperately needed some privacy.

"This is still about Jo, isn't it?" Meredith asked carefully. "You're not over her." She leaned forward and moved her chair closer to Alex's. "But I don't get it, you said you were the one who broke up with her?"

Which might have been the biggest mistake he'd ever made. And considering all the crap he'd pulled, that was saying something.

He was an idiot, because he couldn't get over himself.

He understood why she had done what she'd done, but still couldn't look past it. Past the secrets and lies and all the things she'd held back.

Why was he being so complicated about it? Jo had managed to look past the fact he'd almost killed DeLuca. She'd been there, she'd seen how his fists had come down on DeLuca's face again and again. She'd heard the cracking of DeLuca's bones. She'd seen the blood, scattered on the kitchen floor. She'd witnessed all that and yet she still loved him. What was that compared to a few secrets she'd only kept hidden, because she was scared for her life, and for his life as well?

And he loved her too, he still did. He loved her so much, he was willing to go to prison, just so she wouldn't have to expose herself to the public.

Just the same he couldn't get rid of those tenacious thoughts, which made him doubt everything he thought he knew about Jo. She'd hidden such a huge part of her life from him. All those years he never even knew her real name. Jo Wilson was just someone she'd created to shield herself from her husband. It made him feel like he loved someone who never really existed and he didn't know how to deal with that realization.

"Can we just change the subject, please?" Alex huffed.

Meredith sighed. "Fine. I was about to head to the OR. How about you scrub in with me?"

Alex snorted. "Why do you want me to scrub in with you? Do you need somebody to boss around in the OR?"

"I'm trying to be nice." Meredith shrugged her shoulders. "It's only your second day back as a surgeon. I thought it could help you ease back in, get your head back in the game."

"My head is in the game. My head never stopped being in the game."

Meredith pursed her lips. "You haven't held a scalpel in months. You sure you still know how to do surgery?"

"Shut-" In that moment Alex's pager started buzzing. "Ha, I just got paged to an emergency," he said triumphantly as he jumped up. "See? I told you, I'm back in the game."

"You do realize you just got excited over a possibly badly injured kid, right?" Meredith raised a disapproving eyebrow. "You're despicable."

"Shut up," Alex shouted over his shoulder as he hurried down the corridor, towards the ER.

He stopped over at the shelf with the surgical supplies and grabbed one of the white surgical gowns. As he reached for the box with the gloves, somebody bumped into him and pushed him to the side. It wasn't hard, it didn't hurt; it was merely a small jostle, but it was enough to piss him off.

"Watch out!" Exasperated Alex wheeled around, expecting to met the gaze of a nervous, doe-eyed intern. It was always one of those annoying, overly enthusiastic interns, who bumped into people.

But when he saw who was standing in front of him, he stopped short.

It was not an overly enthusiastic intern, but an overly enthusiastic resident.

It was Jo.

"Hey." His face lit up and for a moment he forgot about all the complicated history between them and was just happy to see her.

It had been a while since he'd last seen her and he'd missed her. God, had he missed her.

Jo didn't smile back, though. "Sorry, I just..." Swiftly she grabbed two surgical gloves, then stepped back to let him pass.

"No, I'm sorry. I... uh... sorry." Alex squeezed past her and headed for the ER entrance. He couldn't hear the sirens yet, but he was pretty sure the ambulance would be here any minute.

As soon as he was outside he tied the gown behind his back and slipped into the gloves "Is there uh... a reason you're following me?" he asked when he noticed Jo, who was quietly waiting a few feet behind him.

She squinted her eyes and bit her lip. "Yeah, actually... I..." With long, determined steps she walked up to him and as she resumed speaking, her tone was confident. "Look, I know you don't like it, but I got assigned to your service this morning. If you have a problem with it, you need to talk to Bailey or Minnick. But until then, I'm your resident for the day, so deal with it."

It was like freaking déjà vu.

The whole situation - from Jo bumping into him, then following him outside to the ambulance bay and telling him, she was his resident for the day - it felt as if somebody had pushed the rewind button.

It was a throwback to a much simpler time. Back then she was just this cute, cheeky intern and he the cocky attending.

 _Why are you following me?_

 _I'm your intern for the day._

 _Hello, Intern. You have a name?_

 _Jo Wilson._

 _Nice, I like chicks with boys' names._

Alex couldn't help but laugh at the memory.

"What's so funny?" Jo asked irritated.

Alex glanced at her, an audacious glint in his eyes. Maybe that was what they should do - push the rewind button. They couldn't pretend like nothing happened, they couldn't just pick up where they'd left off. But who said they couldn't start over? Maybe what they needed was a new beginning with a clean slate?

It could be their chance to get to know each other all over again.

"Hello Intern. You have a name?"

"What?" Jo stared at him with a puzzled expression.

Alex peeled off the latex gloves and extended his right hand to her. "Hi, I'm Alex."

Jo was looking at him like he'd lost his mind. But then her gaze softened and as she realized what he was trying to do, her lips parted into the biggest smile, a smile which brightened her whole face. "I'm Jo," she said, finally accepting his hand and shaking it firmly.

Alex grinned. "Nice. I like chicks with boys' names."

Jo rolled her eyes and chuckled.

As the sirens announced the approaching ambulance, they were still standing in the ER driveway, holding each other's hand.

Only it had turned into something different than the stagy gesture it had started out as. They'd loosened their grip, but neither of them was able to let go. While they looked into each other's eyes, completely spellbound, Alex was tenderly rubbing his thumb over the back of Jo's hand, wanting to hold on to the moment as long as possible.

What they shared was so much more than a simple handshake. It was a pact. It was a promise. It was,

 _I'm not giving up on us._


End file.
